JOKES
Senior Member
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 16,711
RE: JOKES
ORIGINAL: Lane
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the barkeep. "Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imagineable!" "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barkeep. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?"
"Dunno.......never found her head."
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the barkeep. "Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imagineable!" "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barkeep. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?"
"Dunno.......never found her head."
GROSSSS!!!![:'(]
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 78
From:
RE: JOKES
Nahhhh, now this is gross:
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She wasn't bad for 62. We drank and BS'd a bit then she asked if I had ever had the "sportsman's double", a mother and daughter 3-some? I said 'no' and we drank a bit more then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mom, you still awake?"
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She wasn't bad for 62. We drank and BS'd a bit then she asked if I had ever had the "sportsman's double", a mother and daughter 3-some? I said 'no' and we drank a bit more then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mom, you still awake?"
Senior Member
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 16,711
RE: JOKES
ORIGINAL: Lane
Nahhhh, now this is gross:
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She wasn't bad for 62. We drank and BS'd a bit then she asked if I had ever had the "sportsman's double", a mother and daughter 3-some? I said 'no' and we drank a bit more then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mom, you still awake?"
Nahhhh, now this is gross:
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She wasn't bad for 62. We drank and BS'd a bit then she asked if I had ever had the "sportsman's double", a mother and daughter 3-some? I said 'no' and we drank a bit more then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mom, you still awake?"
YUP, You're RIGHT....That is GROSSSS!!!![:'(]
Super Moderator
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 11,001
From: Red Lion, PA
RE: JOKES
That's HAWT ^^^^^^
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in...and then the trouble started.
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in...and then the trouble started.
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 241
From:
RE: JOKES
[blockquote]quote:
ORIGINAL: TigerLily
[blockquote]quote:
ORIGINAL: Misster
Guess which one is the female...
Thumbnail Image
[/blockquote]
The one standing quietly, looking away, not to add to the obvious anger and drama that the male is feeling? That'd be my guess ...
[/blockquote]
I was thinking the same thing
I have to agree! [sm=exactly.gif]
ORIGINAL: TigerLily
[blockquote]quote:
ORIGINAL: Misster
Guess which one is the female...
Thumbnail Image
[/blockquote]
The one standing quietly, looking away, not to add to the obvious anger and drama that the male is feeling? That'd be my guess ...
[/blockquote]
I was thinking the same thing
I have to agree! [sm=exactly.gif]
Thread Starter
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 7,579
From:
RE: JOKES
My kind of doctor!!
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this
true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste the time on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding
up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than
an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms
up! !
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables
be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this
true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste the time on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding
up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than
an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms
up! !
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables
be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.
Super Moderator
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 11,001
From: Red Lion, PA
RE: JOKES
[blockquote]
Daddy, how was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
[/align]
'You got Male!'" [/align][/blockquote]
[/align]
Daddy, how was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
[/align]
'You got Male!'" [/align][/blockquote]
[/align]
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 3,735
From: Effort, Pa
RE: JOKES
ORIGINAL: Muddydawg75
[blockquote]
Daddy, how was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
[/align]
'You got Male!'" [/align][/blockquote]
[/align]
[blockquote]
Daddy, how was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
[/align]
'You got Male!'" [/align][/blockquote]
[/align]
