JOKES
Super Moderator
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 11,001
From: Red Lion, PA
RE: JOKES
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around,looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack,when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked,
"I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you"
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, h uh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked,
"I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you"
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, h uh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
Super Moderator
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 11,001
From: Red Lion, PA
RE: JOKES
I rear ended a car this morning...[/align][/align]
I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day.
The driver got out of the other car. He was a dwarf.
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy".
I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's when the fight started.[/align]
I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day.
The driver got out of the other car. He was a dwarf.
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy".
I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's when the fight started.[/align]
Super Moderator
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 11,001
From: Red Lion, PA
RE: JOKES
Divorce, custody, and Pepsi Cola
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the
custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she
had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of
them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked >>
for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and
replied:"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi
comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the
custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she
had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of
them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked >>
for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and
replied:"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi
comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
Super Moderator
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 11,001
From: Red Lion, PA
RE: JOKES
[blockquote]Bill and Hillary Clinton are at the Yankee season opener on April 3, 1998, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service agents directly behind them.
One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head.
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was at the unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner on down to the bat boy."
Bill hesitates ... but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Okay, if that's what the people want.."
With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming! "I'll kill you! You Mother *%$%**!!!."
The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering,hooting & hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.
Bill leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!" Noticing his agent has gone totally pale, Bill asks what's wrong.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first 'Pitch'![/blockquote]
One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head.
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was at the unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner on down to the bat boy."
Bill hesitates ... but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Okay, if that's what the people want.."
With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming! "I'll kill you! You Mother *%$%**!!!."
The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering,hooting & hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.
Bill leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!" Noticing his agent has gone totally pale, Bill asks what's wrong.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first 'Pitch'![/blockquote]
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,077
From:
RE: JOKES
ORIGINAL: Muddydawg75
Divorce, custody, and Pepsi Cola
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the
custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she
had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of
them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked >>
for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and
replied:"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi
comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
Divorce, custody, and Pepsi Cola
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the
custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she
had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of
them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked >>
for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and
replied:"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi
comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"