JOKES
Senior Member
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 16,711
RE: JOKES
ORIGINAL: Hummerguy123
Heard a good one yesterday.
This Canadian walks into a bar. He asks for a beer, the bartender say's what do you mean by that. He says nothing but if you wanna argue I will. They argue and a couple of regulars join. The owner comes in and asks what is going on as the 3 have him pinned down. They say this guys is picking on us. The owner kicks him out.
A week later he come back after having grow a beard because he like the beer. Nothing happens until he crack a joke. The bar tender yells and screams at the Canadian but this time the Canuck has it all on tape. The owner doesn't know what to do.
What would you do?
Heard a good one yesterday.
This Canadian walks into a bar. He asks for a beer, the bartender say's what do you mean by that. He says nothing but if you wanna argue I will. They argue and a couple of regulars join. The owner comes in and asks what is going on as the 3 have him pinned down. They say this guys is picking on us. The owner kicks him out.
A week later he come back after having grow a beard because he like the beer. Nothing happens until he crack a joke. The bar tender yells and screams at the Canadian but this time the Canuck has it all on tape. The owner doesn't know what to do.
What would you do?
Senior Member
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 16,711
RE: JOKES
ORIGINAL: Dennis
Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:
Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bull**** artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary...basically the same thing
Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:
Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bull**** artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary...basically the same thing
Thread Starter
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 7,579
From:
RE: JOKES
Oh no! what do you do?
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. However, Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.
What must you do to safely get out of this dangerous situation?
(there is a sensible answer...do you know what it is?)
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. However, Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.
What must you do to safely get out of this dangerous situation?
(there is a sensible answer...do you know what it is?)
Senior Member
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 6,861
From: Pittsburgh PA
RE: JOKES
ORIGINAL: Dennis
Oh no! what do you do?
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. However, Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.
What must you do to safely get out of this dangerous situation?
(there is a sensible answer...do you know what it is?)
Oh no! what do you do?
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. However, Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.
What must you do to safely get out of this dangerous situation?
(there is a sensible answer...do you know what it is?)
Step off the Marry-Go-Round?
Thread Starter
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 7,579
From:
RE: JOKES
Gang Land Math test
1. Ramon has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramon attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3. Rufus pimps 3 hoes. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each hoe turn to support Rufus' $800 per day crack habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette and $100 for a 4X4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4X4's, how many more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?
6. Raul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will he get for killing the hoe that has his money?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight-ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?
9. Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa on one week's income?
10. Billy steals Joey's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 15 mph, Joey loads his .357 magnum. If it takes Joey 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Billy be when Joey pops a cap in Billy's ***??
1. Ramon has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramon attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3. Rufus pimps 3 hoes. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each hoe turn to support Rufus' $800 per day crack habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette and $100 for a 4X4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4X4's, how many more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?
6. Raul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will he get for killing the hoe that has his money?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight-ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?
9. Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa on one week's income?
10. Billy steals Joey's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 15 mph, Joey loads his .357 magnum. If it takes Joey 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Billy be when Joey pops a cap in Billy's ***??
Thread Starter
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 7,579
From:
RE: JOKES
Five top smart *** remarks
#5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need
to see your ticket not your stub."
#4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
dead."
#3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally
stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
#2:
A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,
"Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and
he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a
police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck
driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck
driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
#1:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider
a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ***
guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say
if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual
exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When
silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her
head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your
other hand."
#5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need
to see your ticket not your stub."
#4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
dead."
#3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally
stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
#2:
A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,
"Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and
he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a
police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck
driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck
driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
#1:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider
a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ***
guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say
if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual
exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When
silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her
head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your
other hand."