JOKES
Super Moderator
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 11,001
From: Red Lion, PA
RE: JOKES
^^^OUCH
[blockquote]
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else totake care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, playing golf -always something more important to me. [/align][/align]Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping awaywith a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. [/align][/align]I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." [/align][/align]The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.[/align][/align]Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband. [/align][/blockquote]
[blockquote]
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else totake care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, playing golf -always something more important to me. [/align][/align]Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping awaywith a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. [/align][/align]I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." [/align][/align]The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.[/align][/align]Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband. [/align][/blockquote]
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,173
From:
RE: JOKES
This test only has one question, but it is a very important one. By
giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The
test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you
will have to make a decision. Remember, you must be spontaneous. Please
scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
THE SITUATION:
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around
you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of
Biblical proportions.
You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly
hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people
swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is
unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST:
Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life,
trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow
the woman looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is.
It's Hillary Clinton!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take
her under forever. You have two
options: You can save the life of Hillary
Clinton or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo,
documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women.
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?[/align]
giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The
test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you
will have to make a decision. Remember, you must be spontaneous. Please
scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
THE SITUATION:
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around
you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of
Biblical proportions.
You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly
hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people
swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is
unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST:
Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life,
trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow
the woman looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is.
It's Hillary Clinton!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take
her under forever. You have two
options: You can save the life of Hillary
Clinton or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo,
documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women.
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?[/align]
Super Moderator
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 11,001
From: Red Lion, PA
RE: JOKES
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians
will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."[/align]
[/align]
[/align]
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.[/align]
[/align]
[/align]
And furthermore [/align]
[/align]
[/align]
[/align]
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:[/align]
[/align]
[/align]
1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."[/align]
[/align]
[/align]
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
[/align]
[/align]
[/align]
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."[/align]
[/align]
[/align]
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."[/align]
[/align]
[/align]
5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."[/align]
[/align]
[/align]
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "[b][font=tahoma]LOW COST PROVIDER."[/font
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 82
From: BC Canada
RE: JOKES
ORIGINAL: Muddydawg75
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
[/align]
1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
[/align]
1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL *** - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT
Super Moderator
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 11,001
From: Red Lion, PA
RE: JOKES
NJ Driving Rules
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is New-erk not
New-ark.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush
hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday
morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the
parkway it's 105 or 110. Anything less is considered "Wussy."
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own
version of traffic r ules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest
muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires
go second. However, in Monmouth county, SUV-driving, cellphone-talking
mothers ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended,
cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can
get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey.
Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during
the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more
exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks,dogs, cats,
barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shre dded tires,cell-phoners,
deer and other road kill, and the Homeless feeding on any of these
items.
9. Mapquest does not work here -- none of the roads are where they say
they are or go where they say they do and all the Turnpike ez pass lanes
are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the
shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally
activated."
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone,
you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly.
If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
12. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon
for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after
church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning [/align]
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is New-erk not
New-ark.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush
hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday
morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the
parkway it's 105 or 110. Anything less is considered "Wussy."
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own
version of traffic r ules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest
muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires
go second. However, in Monmouth county, SUV-driving, cellphone-talking
mothers ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended,
cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can
get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey.
Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during
the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more
exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks,dogs, cats,
barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shre dded tires,cell-phoners,
deer and other road kill, and the Homeless feeding on any of these
items.
9. Mapquest does not work here -- none of the roads are where they say
they are or go where they say they do and all the Turnpike ez pass lanes
are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the
shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally
activated."
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone,
you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly.
If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
12. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon
for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after
church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning [/align]
Super Moderator
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 11,001
From: Red Lion, PA
RE: JOKES
The Pasta Diet and Your Health
ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!
1.. You walka pasta da bakery.
2.. You walka pasta da candy store.
3.. You walk a pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!
And...
For those of you who watch what you eat,
here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth
after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!
1.. You walka pasta da bakery.
2.. You walka pasta da candy store.
3.. You walk a pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!
And...
For those of you who watch what you eat,
here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth
after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Thread Starter
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 7,579
From:
RE: JOKES
Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !"
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America !"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa !"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !"
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America !"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa !"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work