JOKES
Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 63
From:
RE: JOKES
This guy walks into this bar, the bar tender asks if he is here to enter the he man contest. The guy askes what do I have to do?
The bar tender says there are 3 things you have to do. The first thing is, do you see that big guy at the end of the bar? The guy
looks down towards the other end of the bar and sees this huge guy sitting there and says yah. the bar tender says you have to
knock him out with one punch. I don't know about that the guy replies, what's the next thing? The bar tender says, out behind the
bar is a lake and in the lake is a 10 foot alligator with an absessed tooth. You need to go out back, pull that tooth and bring it in
here and place it on the bar. Wow exclaims the guy, I know I can't do that but what's the third thing I need to do? The bar tender
says, the third and final thing is, there's a 90 year old nymphomaniac down the road about a mile. You need to go down there and
bring her to orgasim. Oh boy the guy cringes, I'll be back.
well after about 3 hours the guy returns, (he's made the rounds to some of the other bars and had a few drinks) so in slured speech
he says what's the first thing I got to do? the bar tender just glances down towards the big guy, oh ya says the guy and walks up to
the big guy BAM one punch and the big guy falls out cold. the guy staggers up to the bar tender and says, what's the second thing?
The bar tender glances towards the lake, oh yah and out the door he goes. Well all you could hear is screaming and splashing and
more screaming and splashing. then a few minutes more and the guy comes walking throught the door and he is all bloody and his
clothes are torn. he looks pretty bad. Anyways he comes walking in leans on the bar and says
Ok now where's the bitch with the bad tooth.
The bar tender says there are 3 things you have to do. The first thing is, do you see that big guy at the end of the bar? The guy
looks down towards the other end of the bar and sees this huge guy sitting there and says yah. the bar tender says you have to
knock him out with one punch. I don't know about that the guy replies, what's the next thing? The bar tender says, out behind the
bar is a lake and in the lake is a 10 foot alligator with an absessed tooth. You need to go out back, pull that tooth and bring it in
here and place it on the bar. Wow exclaims the guy, I know I can't do that but what's the third thing I need to do? The bar tender
says, the third and final thing is, there's a 90 year old nymphomaniac down the road about a mile. You need to go down there and
bring her to orgasim. Oh boy the guy cringes, I'll be back.
well after about 3 hours the guy returns, (he's made the rounds to some of the other bars and had a few drinks) so in slured speech
he says what's the first thing I got to do? the bar tender just glances down towards the big guy, oh ya says the guy and walks up to
the big guy BAM one punch and the big guy falls out cold. the guy staggers up to the bar tender and says, what's the second thing?
The bar tender glances towards the lake, oh yah and out the door he goes. Well all you could hear is screaming and splashing and
more screaming and splashing. then a few minutes more and the guy comes walking throught the door and he is all bloody and his
clothes are torn. he looks pretty bad. Anyways he comes walking in leans on the bar and says
Ok now where's the bitch with the bad tooth.
Thread Starter
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 7,579
From:
RE: JOKES
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw the envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "DAD". With the worse premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing this. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Barbara and she is so nice even with all her piercings, tattoos and her tight motorcylcle clothes.
But it's not only the passion, dad - she's pregnant and Barbara assures me that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her since she is so much older than I am, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood enough for the whole winter.
She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Barbara taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstacy we need.
In the meantime, we pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Barbara can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don't worry, dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son,
John
P.S. Dad, none of this is true. I'm over at Billy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card which is in my desk center drawer. I love you!
P.S.S. Call when it's safe for me to come home.
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing this. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Barbara and she is so nice even with all her piercings, tattoos and her tight motorcylcle clothes.
But it's not only the passion, dad - she's pregnant and Barbara assures me that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her since she is so much older than I am, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood enough for the whole winter.
She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Barbara taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstacy we need.
In the meantime, we pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Barbara can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don't worry, dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son,
John
P.S. Dad, none of this is true. I'm over at Billy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card which is in my desk center drawer. I love you!
P.S.S. Call when it's safe for me to come home.
Thread Starter
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 7,579
From:
RE: JOKES
This is what I call fun..Now smile everyone and enjoy..this is what HUMMERFORUMS is all about..FUN.Damnit!
DIET COKE and Mentos
DIET COKE and Mentos
Thread Starter
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 7,579
From:
Thread Starter
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 7,579
From:
RE: JOKES
You all remember that story recently about the Dobberman in England that chewed up thousands of dollars worth of Teddy bears, even Elvis 's..?
Well what you didn't know, was that the dog had an accomplice..
BUSTER
Well what you didn't know, was that the dog had an accomplice..
BUSTER
Thread Starter
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 7,579
From:
RE: JOKES
Cowboy in Gay Bar
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay
bar...What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the
name of your *****?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a
drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell
me the name of your *****. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the
slogan 'Just Do It.'
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It
really Satisfies.' "
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give
him a second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a
beer, Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, Why Timex?"
The man proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!' "
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who
happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call
yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because
"Quality is Job One" "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....Like a Rock!" And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he
comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my ***** is;
SECRET. Now give me a beer!"
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled
look and asks "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's "STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN"!!!!!!
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay
bar...What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the
name of your *****?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a
drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell
me the name of your *****. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the
slogan 'Just Do It.'
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It
really Satisfies.' "
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give
him a second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a
beer, Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, Why Timex?"
The man proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!' "
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who
happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call
yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because
"Quality is Job One" "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....Like a Rock!" And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he
comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my ***** is;
SECRET. Now give me a beer!"
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled
look and asks "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's "STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN"!!!!!!
