The ones with dots are push start.... the ones with Turbans are pull start.....

 

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample." The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?" The wife yells back to him,[/align]
"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"[/align]

 

So much for artistic interpretation...

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National gallery was
staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting
depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park
bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle
had a pink weenie. The curator of the gallery realized that they were
having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assistance.
He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the
sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white,
patriarchal society... "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics
believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and
sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary
society."

After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt
approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the
painting is really about?"Now why would you claim to be more of an
expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple." Because I'm
the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African
Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and
the guy in the middle went home for lunch.

 

Muddydawg,
That's hilarious!!! [sm=funnypostabove.gif]

 

Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women[/align]

[/align]
Pregnancy Q & A & more![/align]
[/align]
>1. Q: Should I have a baby after 35?[/align]
>A: No, 35 children is enough.[/align]
>[/align]
>2. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?[/align]
>A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.[/align]
>[/align]
>3. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?[/align]
>A: Childbirth.[/align]
[/align]
>4. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's[/align]
>borderline irrational.[/align]
>A: So what's your question?[/align]
[/align]
>5. Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,[/align]
>but pressure. Is she right?[/align]
>A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.[/align]
[/align]
>6. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?[/align]
>A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.[/align]
[/align]
>7. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?[/align]
>A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.[/align]
[/align]
>8. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?[/align]
>A: Yes, pregnancy.[/align]
[/align]
>9. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?[/align]
>A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.[/align]
[/align]
>10. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?[/align]
>A: When the kids are in college.[/align]
[/align]
"ESTROGEN ISSUES"[/align]
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"[/align]
[/align]
>1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.[/align]
>2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.[/align]
>3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.[/align]
>4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.[/align]
>5. You're using your cell phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says:[/align]
>"How's my driving-call 1- 800-".[/align]
[font=consolas][size=2]>6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting

 

Love it!Thanks for the grins.

 

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,"
he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.

(scroll down)










"MY ROLEX!"

 

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in,
it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two men drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air
and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here?
You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!
Nah, says the farmer, That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was chained to a railroad tie.

 

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."

Wife: "Do you want dinner?"
Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes and no."

Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."

Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!!"


Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."


Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."


A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

 

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters
sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to **** ya both."
"**** off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"