JOKES
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,019
From: Upstate New York
RE: JOKES
ORIGINAL: Lane
Husband and wife in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She says, "Oh, honey, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She says, "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She says, "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But suddently he stops.
She asks, "Why did you stop?"
He comments, "I found the remote."
Husband and wife in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She says, "Oh, honey, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She says, "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She says, "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But suddently he stops.
She asks, "Why did you stop?"
He comments, "I found the remote."
I'm afraid he'd have to get hurt for that...hahahha
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 78
From:
RE: JOKES
WHERE TO LIVE WHEN YOU RETIRE:
You can live in Phoenix, AZ where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexicanfood.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you when you open your oven door.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot and are you kidding me??!!
You can live inCalifornia where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a home.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than howmany miles away it is.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
decisions....decisions
You can live in Phoenix, AZ where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexicanfood.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you when you open your oven door.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot and are you kidding me??!!
You can live inCalifornia where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a home.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than howmany miles away it is.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
decisions....decisions
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 78
From:
RE: JOKES
You can live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.
You can live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names" Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Willie Ray, Betty Jean, etc.
You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald but you still have a pony tail.
And you can live in Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
decisions......decisions
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.
You can live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names" Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Willie Ray, Betty Jean, etc.
You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald but you still have a pony tail.
And you can live in Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
decisions......decisions
Super Moderator
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 11,001
From: Red Lion, PA
RE: JOKES
A recent survey revealed that the average American male walks 900 miles per year. Another survey revealed that the average American male consumes 20 gallons of beer per year. Conclusion: The average American male gets 45 miles per gallon. [/align][/align][/align]Just thought you should know this.[/align][/align][/align]
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 78
From:
RE: JOKES
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "you must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly."
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "you must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly."
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,173
From:
RE: JOKES
ORIGINAL: Lane
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "you must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly."
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "you must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly."
