that was hysterical

 

I want to work in Guam !


In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
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Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
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The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
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There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time .
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think about this one for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
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In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
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Topless sales women are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
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In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
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In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
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In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~* ~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times it's own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of . ?)
(Did the government pay for this research?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last...
Turtles can breathe through their butts .
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

 

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:



I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.


The reason:
"Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
>From Kingman, KS.
__________________________________________________ ____
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City!
______________________________________________



IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?


To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"


He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
__________________________________________________ _____
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street.


I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.


She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.


Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"


She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
__________________________________________________ _
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing."


Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."


Not another word was spoken.


We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.


A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
__________________________________________________ __
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"


His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
__________________________________________________ _____
STAY ALERT!


They walk among us ... and they REPRODUCE

 

Did those things happen for real or are they just jokes put in a 'real story form'.

Those jokes you put on here are always hilarious and of good quality, not those cheap & cheesy ones. I like.

Half of this story happened to me once. We were in Miami with quite a big group of friends. One night we rented a 22 passenger escalade. The driver shows up !45! minutes late, and it was august so we were waiting outside the hotel in our nice clothes sweating our asses off. When the driver arrives he parks the limo right next to us, which was radiating heat like there's no tomorrow, and he hurries out to apologize and guess what.....the moron leaves the keys in the ignition, motor running, and he slams the door shut. So there we were, waiting for another hour or so.[sm=bangbang.gif] But the rest of the night was really great, for as far as I can remember.

 

TOOKIE no More!

Twas the night before Tookie's execution and all through San Quentin; the Crips were protesting and liberals were ventin'.


The cyanide hung by the chamber with care, in hopes the grim reaper soon would be there.

The inmates were nestled all snug in their bed;
except for Old Tookie, who soon would be dead.

And me with my beer mug, dressed warm in my flannel, had curled up to watch it, on the Fox News Channel.


I set up my TIVO to record the news station, and thoroughly loved the momentous occasion.

It seemed lady justice had gotten her way, and that there would be one less savage today.

When outside the jail there arose such a clatter, the cameras had turned to see what was the matter.

When what to my civilized eyes did appear,
but a lineup of actors, all liberal, half queer.

The misguided freaks drew some curious looks, as they proclaimed his innocence, clutching his books.

The tears then flew out from Saradon's eyes, as she nominated him again for the Nobel Peace Prize.

The actors were tethered to an ACLU sleigh, all towing the line of the urban decay.

On Asner, on Penn, on liberal cop-haters. On Sharpton, on Jesse and other race-baiters.

Then at 00:01 all curled up like a beetle, Tookie cried like a bitch as they gave him the needle.

When up from the actors there arose such a cry, they had failed in their mission, and Tookie did die!

I heard Bill O'Reilly say, as I turned out my light, "Merry days to all.....there was justice tonight."



JUST FOR THE RECORD: anyone can nominate anyone for the Nobel Peace Prize. Winning it is the hard part.

 

ROBO-PUB

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail and then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "162" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot.

He walks out of the bar, turns around and comes back in for another drink.

Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "about 100."

Immediately, the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns and women's body parts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test.

He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Errr, 50, I think."

And the robot says....really slowly, "So...is....your....party....gonna....nominate.... .Hillary.....for................President???"

 

Perks of Being Over 50

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

3. No on expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now, won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4:00pm.

9. You can live without sex, but not your glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You can no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks in the room.

14. You sing along with elevator music.

15. Your eyes won't get much worse.

16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the weather bureau.

18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

20. I forgot the last one....[:@]

 

 

Modern Day Cowboy


A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."

She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

The genie said, "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

 

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a
party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft
man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud
splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ***! Leroy was
jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and
the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool.