A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry lsit of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shutup and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,..."Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays, I fish.

 

Five Surgeons [/align]
Five Surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. [/align][/align]The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." [/align][/align]The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." [/align][/align]The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think Librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order." [/align][/align]The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." [/align][/align]But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.....There's no guts, no heart, no *****, no brains and no spine, and the head and the *** are interchangeable!"[/align]

 

HEHEHE......

 

Second that !

 

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

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[/align]My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

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[/align]As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

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[/align]On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

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[/align]She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."



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[/align]To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

 

a grasshopper walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. the bartender looks at him and says "hey, we've got a drink named after you."

the grasshopper responds "really?! you've got a drink named steve?!"

 

^^^^

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a


foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,"she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping
his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to th e side, loosened his
pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked,"How does that feel"?

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

 

That one made me snort a little...lmao

 

George decided that he wanted to
throw a party & invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He held the party around the pool in the
backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good
time drinking, dancing, eating BBQ
flirting with the women. At the height of the party,george said, "I have a 10 ft. Man-eating gator in
my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has
the b@lls to jump in."
The words were barely out ofhis mouth
when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around
and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator
jabbing the gator in theeyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kindshead butts, chokeholds, biting the gator on the tailThe water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both
Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it sink to the
bottom. Leroy then slowly climbed
out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in
disbelief.
Finallygeorge says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I
owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
george: "Man, I have to give you
something. You won the bet. How about half a million
bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it.", answered Leroy.
george: "Come on, I insist on giving you
something. That was amazing. How about a new
Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
leroy stillsaid, "NO!"
george is confused, "Well, Leroy, then
what do you want?"
Leroy answered, "I want the ***********
who pushed me in the pool."

 

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible outof the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal evenmore.Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him,blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought,"What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await theTrooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the Trooper w alked up to theCorvette , looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speedingthat I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off witha Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.