25 Things I Learned From My Mom

Love your Mamma, for she will give you the tools to build a successful life. Even though mother’s day is still months away, appericiating your mother is always in season. Here’s why…

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.[/i]

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
You better pray that will come out of the carpet.[/i]

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week![/i]

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
Because I said so, that’s why.[/i]

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.[/i]

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.[/i]

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.[/i]

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
Shut your mouth and eat your supper.[/i]

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck![/i]

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.[/i]

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.[/i]

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate![/i]

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.[/i]

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
Stop acting like your father![/i]

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.[/i]

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
Just wait until we get home.[/i]

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
You are going to get it when you get home![/i]

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.[/i]

19. My mother taught me ESP.
Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?[/i]

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.[/i]

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.[/i]

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
You’re just like your father.[/i]

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?[/i]

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.[/i]

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you![/i]

 

A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student’s immediate family.
A smart *** student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. “But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?” As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.
When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. “Well,” he responded, “I guess you’ll just have to learn to write with your other hand.”

 

Muddy we must be brothers because I think we had the same mother.

 

I think the mother thing is universal. I got in stereo, stayed with grandma while mom was working when I was younger. Heard it from both of them.

You did good today Muddy, must gotten too much sleep last night

 

You know my Mom, she taught me the same stuff.

 

and why ruin a good Mother Theme...

 

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he tries to pay his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

'Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.

 

Very insightful. Too bad these same a$$holes keep getting re-elected. Everyone thinks it the other a$$holes that are the problem, not their guy.

 

Man that Mom one is Perfect!!

Makes me miss mine even more[&:]