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Dennis -> JOKES (2/3/2006 10:55:17 AM)
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For those having trouble making New Years' Resolutions, I humbly offer this list. Many of these will not apply to you, but dammit, they need to apply to SOMEBODY.
1. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.Com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years, it's because you don't particularly like them or give a sh!t! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days - he's mowing my lawn.
2. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? You're lucky it was only a finger. If it were a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
3. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blond teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "lucky bastards". And yes, it's true: every guy who says, out loud, something like, "My God, that's terrible" or " What has the world come to?" Is secretly saying to himself "I wish it happened to me!!"
Note from typing class: I will N-E-V-E-R forget Miss Rogers, my high school typing teacher. She reached around from behind to show me how. The good part was, she had big boobs out to here................. I needed a LOT of help!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When I got out of HS, I could type 450 WPM
4. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. If you only have One? Fine, make it into two. Problem solved.
5. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water, pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. There's your flavored water.
6. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet n'-Low and one NutraSweet," you're such a big asshole that you'll probably capture regular sized assholes in orbit around you. You might as well ask the kid behind the counter to fly the space shuttle. You're clogging up the line with that stupid order, move along dumbshit!
7. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass and it translates to "beef with broccoli." Spirituality is revealed by a dedication to ideals that transcend the gratification of the self, not by low-rise jeans. The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. Do you really think that spiritual Chinese wear American characters on their butt cracks?
8. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
9. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. Be creative for a change?
10. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for new homes and babies' first poop party and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's called "Social Extortion."
11. New Rule, and this one
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