RE: JOKES
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RE: JOKES - 1/7/2007 4:03:10 PM
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Dennis
Posts: 7584
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An Okie is drinking in a Boston bar when he gets a
call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to
ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the
bar announcing his wife had produced a typical Oklahoman baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at
25 pounds, but the Okie just shrugs, "That's
about average back home, folks......like I said, my
boy's a typical Okie."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many
exclamations of "WOW"....one woman actually fainted
due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical
Okie baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's
been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.
So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.
"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day
he was born!"
The Okie father takes a long swig of his whiskey, wipes
his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and
proudly says.....
"We had him circumcised."
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RE: JOKES - 1/8/2007 1:12:04 PM
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Dennis
Posts: 7584
Status: offline
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Home Depot Scam
A "heads up" for those of you who may be regular Home
Depot customers.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam
while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies
has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive
enough to think it couldn't happen to your
friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come
over to your car as you are packing your shopping into
the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with
a rag and Windex, with their breasts
almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is
impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say
"No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home
Depot or Lowe's. You agree and they get in the back
seat.
On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them
climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling
all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice
on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also January 1st,
2nd, three times just yesterday and very likely
again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.
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RE: JOKES - 1/9/2007 8:29:12 AM
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Misster
Posts: 59
Joined: 3/24/2006
Status: offline
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Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly are sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approaches from across the park.
The flasher comes up to the ladies, stands right in front of them, opens his trench coat and exposes himself.
Gertrude immediately has a stroke. Then Maude also has a stroke.
But Tilly, being older and feebler than the other two, can't reach that far.
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RE: JOKES - 1/13/2007 12:04:46 PM
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Dennis
Posts: 7584
Status: offline
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A Nebraska farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
"Is yer Pa home"? the farmer asked.
No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "Is yer Ma here"?
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Pa."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here"?
"He went with Ma and Pa."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya"? the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are if you want to borrey one. Or maybe, I could take a message fer Pa."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Pa. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment.
"You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded.
"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 fer the bull and $25 fer the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
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RE: JOKES - 1/13/2007 12:10:42 PM
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Sugardaddy
Posts: 1800
Joined: 7/10/2006
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Too funny!
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RE: JOKES - 1/13/2007 4:22:54 PM
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HummBob
Posts: 16229
Joined: 5/6/2006
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_____________________________
2004 Black Hummer H2
2007 Black Escalade
 
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RE: JOKES - 1/15/2007 9:55:33 AM
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Misster
Posts: 59
Joined: 3/24/2006
Status: offline
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Second, third and fourth grade of a local school were about to make an excursion to a racetrack nearby.
When it was time to visit restrooms, the two young ladies who were along agreed who would help the boys and who'd help the girls.
Youngest boys complained that they were too small to reach up, so the hot teacher lift them up and even helped them to hold it and to aim.
When she had helped the last one, she tried to collect herself because he was extremely well equipped.
She tried not to stare and asked: "You must be a fourthgrader"?
No, mam he replied, I'm the jockey for Silver Arrow in the fift race...
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RE: JOKES - 1/20/2007 5:00:54 PM
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HummBob
Posts: 16229
Joined: 5/6/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Dennis
I had my rev limiter removed...hmmmmm
BTW Dennis, You realize this thread has been alive almost as long as you've had your Rig!!!
_____________________________
2004 Black Hummer H2
2007 Black Escalade
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RE: JOKES - 1/21/2007 6:47:38 AM
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Lane
Posts: 78
Status: offline
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The Pentagon announced today via new Secretary of Defense Casey, the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the U.S. Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).
These 500 Ky, WVa, Ms, La, Ok, Ms, Ar, Al, Ga, Tx, Tn and N. & S. Carolina boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given only the following five facts about terrorists:
1.) The season opened today.
2.) There is no bag limit.
3.) They taste just like chicken.
4.) They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music or Jesus.
5.) They're responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The war in Iraq is expected to be over in about a week.
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RE: JOKES - 1/21/2007 6:55:21 AM
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Lane
Posts: 78
Status: offline
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Two Arab families who hadn't seen each other in years met at the local market. "Hi! How's your family?" "Fine. How's yours?" "Let me show you a picture. This boy is my youngest and the other is my oldest. He's a martyr now."
"Gosh, they blow up so fast nowadays!"
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RE: JOKES - 2/1/2007 9:43:38 PM
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Dennis
Posts: 7584
Status: offline
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MY DAD IS A FATHER
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your Collar.
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