RE: JOKES
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RE: JOKES - 9/20/2006 11:27:21 PM
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Dennis
Posts: 7584
Status: offline
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Gang Land Math test
1. Ramon has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramon attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3. Rufus pimps 3 hoes. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each hoe turn to support Rufus' $800 per day crack habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette and $100 for a 4X4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4X4's, how many more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?
6. Raul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will he get for killing the hoe that has his money?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight-ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?
9. Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa on one week's income?
10. Billy steals Joey's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 15 mph, Joey loads his .357 magnum. If it takes Joey 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Billy be when Joey pops a cap in Billy's ass??
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RE: JOKES - 9/21/2006 3:52:59 AM
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HummBob
Posts: 15973
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Dennis
Good One
_____________________________
2004 Black Hummer H2
2007 Black Escalade
 
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RE: JOKES - 9/22/2006 12:56:58 PM
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Dennis
Posts: 7584
Status: offline
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Five top smart ass remarks
#5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need
to see your ticket not your stub."
#4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
dead."
#3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally
stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
#2:
A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,
"Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and
he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a
police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck
driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck
driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
#1:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider
a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass
guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say
if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual
exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When
silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her
head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your
other hand."
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RE: JOKES - 9/27/2006 2:48:25 PM
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HummerBlues
Posts: 53
Status: offline
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>
>
>A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became
>confused as to where he was on the course.
>
>Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her,
>explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
>"I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me So you must
>be on the 6th hole."
>
>He thanked her and went back to his golfball.
>
>On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again
>with the same request.
>
>"I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th
>hole."
>
>Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
>
>He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady
>sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
>The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
>
>He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your
>help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also.
>What
>do you sell?"
>
>"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.
>
>"No, I won't."
>
>"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
>
>With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.
>
>"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"
>
>"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for
>Preparation
>H, so I'm still a hole behind you."
>
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RE: JOKES - 10/21/2006 8:51:43 PM
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Greenblade
Posts: 649
Joined: 3/19/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Dennis
Happy halloween 2006
i need therapy after that
_____________________________
[quote=hummbob]but these days my idea of ROUGHING IT is when there is NO MINT on the Pillow at the Hotel!![/quote]
[quote=ZYNE]I could live with that but a Hotel without room service ... my gawd what is this world coming to?!?[/quote]
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RE: JOKES - 10/22/2006 8:59:25 AM
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Little Monster
Posts: 1224
Status: offline
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It is a pretty sturdy foot stood or audaman however you want to look at it!!!
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RE: JOKES - 12/4/2006 9:57:14 PM
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Dennis
Posts: 7584
Status: offline
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FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE
1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
3 Colt: The original point and click interface.
4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
7. "Free" men do not ask permission to bear arms.
8. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights reserved.
11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.
13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
14. Guns only have two enemies: rust and politicians.
15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
17. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
19. Criminals love gun control -- it makes their jobs safer.
20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
22. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
23. Enforce the "gun control laws" we ALREADY have, don't make more.
24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
26. "A government of the people, by the people, for the people..."
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RE: JOKES - 12/4/2006 10:03:56 PM
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Dennis
Posts: 7584
Status: offline
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My last Job application
NAME: Dennis (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY: $150,000 a year plus share options...If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crappy job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE...7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
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