RE: JOKES

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RE: JOKES

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RE: JOKES - 8/14/2006 8:19:52 PM

Dennis

Posts: 7584
Status: offline

Lexus RX400H

I just got my new Lexus RX400H and returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated?”Watch this"! He said “Nelson" The Radio replied "Ricky or? Willie?"
"Willie" He continued. And "On the Road Again" came from the speakers. I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say "Beethoven" I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said?”Beatles" I'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car but I swerved
In time to avoid them. I yelled "ASSHOLES!”
The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore,
Backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Bill Clinton on sax and
Ted Kennedy on booze.

Man, I LOVE this car!

(in reply to Dennis)

Post #: 61

RE: JOKES - 8/15/2006 9:23:59 PM

Dennis

Posts: 7584
Status: offline

Ever wonder where BMW got their ideas for their grille design?

< Message edited by Dennis -- 8/15/2006 9:26:20 PM >

(in reply to Dennis)

Post #: 62

RE: JOKES - 8/15/2006 11:02:28 PM

blackstangs281

Posts: 6834
Joined: 11/13/2005
From: Pittsburgh PA
Status: offline

Here ya go...dance
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg

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Post #: 63

RE: JOKES - 8/25/2006 9:49:57 AM

Dennis

Posts: 7584
Status: offline

Tongue Twister

(in reply to blackstangs281)

Post #: 64

RE: JOKES - 8/27/2006 8:20:39 PM

Dennis

Posts: 7584
Status: offline

Here is a good place to place jokes

(in reply to Dennis)

Post #: 65

RE: JOKES - 8/30/2006 8:13:11 PM

HummerGuy123

Posts: 372
Status: offline

Heard a good one yesterday.

This Canadian walks into a bar. He asks for a beer, the bartender say's what do you mean by that. He says nothing but if you wanna argue I will. They argue and a couple of regulars join. The owner comes in and asks what is going on as the 3 have him pinned down. They say this guys is picking on us. The owner kicks him out.

A week later he come back after having grow a beard because he like the beer. Nothing happens until he crack a joke. The bar tender yells and screams at the Canadian but this time the Canuck has it all on tape. The owner doesn't know what to do.

What would you do?

(in reply to Dennis)

Post #: 66

RE: JOKES - 8/30/2006 9:11:16 PM

Dennis

Posts: 7584
Status: offline

Well I'll tell ya since you asked,

Taking all bias out of the picture..."its a private establishment and the owner has the right and final say on who is and is not allowed in, so the person would be removed once again, like he should be, because he obviously isnt a good fit for that bar...there is beer at lots of places, so there is no point in staying somewhere that he isnt welcome".

(in reply to HummerGuy123)

Post #: 67

RE: JOKES - 8/30/2006 9:13:29 PM

importkiller

Posts: 7254
Status: offline

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Post #: 68

[Awaiting Approval]

HummerGuy123

Posts: 372
Status: offline

[Awaiting Approval]

Post #: 69

RE: JOKES - 8/31/2006 8:18:38 AM

Dennis

Posts: 7584
Status: offline

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary...basically the same thing

(in reply to importkiller)

Post #: 70

RE: JOKES - 9/2/2006 3:54:02 PM

HummBob

Posts: 16229
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dennis

Ever wonder where BMW got their ideas for their grille design?

_____________________________

2004 Black Hummer H2

2007 Black Escalade

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Post #: 71

RE: JOKES - 9/2/2006 3:55:50 PM

HummBob

Posts: 16229
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hummerguy123

Heard a good one yesterday.

This Canadian walks into a bar. He asks for a beer, the bartender say's what do you mean by that. He says nothing but if you wanna argue I will. They argue and a couple of regulars join. The owner comes in and asks what is going on as the 3 have him pinned down. They say this guys is picking on us. The owner kicks him out.

A week later he come back after having grow a beard because he like the beer. Nothing happens until he crack a joke. The bar tender yells and screams at the Canadian but this time the Canuck has it all on tape. The owner doesn't know what to do.

What would you do?

_____________________________

2004 Black Hummer H2

2007 Black Escalade

(in reply to HummerGuy123)

Post #: 72

RE: JOKES - 9/2/2006 3:57:45 PM

HummBob

Posts: 16229
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dennis

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary...basically the same thing

_____________________________

2004 Black Hummer H2

2007 Black Escalade

(in reply to Dennis)

Post #: 73

RE: JOKES - 9/12/2006 11:27:49 PM

Dennis

Posts: 7584
Status: offline

Oh no! what do you do?

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. However, Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.

What must you do to safely get out of this dangerous situation?

(there is a sensible answer...do you know what it is?)

(in reply to Dennis)

Post #: 74

RE: JOKES - 9/13/2006 7:53:18 AM

blackstangs281

Posts: 6834
Joined: 11/13/2005
From: Pittsburgh PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dennis

Oh no! what do you do?

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. However, Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.

What must you do to safely get out of this dangerous situation?

(there is a sensible answer...do you know what it is?)