RE: JOKES
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RE: JOKES - 7/13/2006 8:53:20 AM
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Dennis
Posts: 7584
Status: offline
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ROBO-PUB
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail and then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "162" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot.
He walks out of the bar, turns around and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "about 100."
Immediately, the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns and women's body parts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test.
He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Errr, 50, I think."
And the robot says....really slowly, "So...is....your....party....gonna....nominate.....Hillary.....for................President???"
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RE: JOKES - 7/25/2006 11:48:34 AM
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Dennis
Posts: 7584
Status: offline
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Modern Day Cowboy
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."
She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
The genie said, "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
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RE: JOKES - 7/28/2006 3:27:06 PM
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Dennis
Posts: 7584
Status: offline
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A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a
party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft
man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud
splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was
jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and
the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool.
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RE: JOKES - 7/28/2006 10:31:56 PM
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DWP99
Posts: 63
Joined: 12/10/2005
Status: offline
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This guy walks into this bar, the bar tender asks if he is here to enter the he man contest. The guy askes what do I have to do?
The bar tender says there are 3 things you have to do. The first thing is, do you see that big guy at the end of the bar? The guy
looks down towards the other end of the bar and sees this huge guy sitting there and says yah. the bar tender says you have to
knock him out with one punch. I don't know about that the guy replies, what's the next thing? The bar tender says, out behind the
bar is a lake and in the lake is a 10 foot alligator with an absessed tooth. You need to go out back, pull that tooth and bring it in
here and place it on the bar. Wow exclaims the guy, I know I can't do that but what's the third thing I need to do? The bar tender
says, the third and final thing is, there's a 90 year old nymphomaniac down the road about a mile. You need to go down there and
bring her to orgasim. Oh boy the guy cringes, I'll be back.
well after about 3 hours the guy returns, (he's made the rounds to some of the other bars and had a few drinks) so in slured speech
he says what's the first thing I got to do? the bar tender just glances down towards the big guy, oh ya says the guy and walks up to
the big guy BAM one punch and the big guy falls out cold. the guy staggers up to the bar tender and says, what's the second thing?
The bar tender glances towards the lake, oh yah and out the door he goes. Well all you could hear is screaming and splashing and
more screaming and splashing. then a few minutes more and the guy comes walking throught the door and he is all bloody and his
clothes are torn. he looks pretty bad. Anyways he comes walking in leans on the bar and says
Ok now where's the bitch with the bad tooth.
< Message edited by DWP99 -- 7/28/2006 10:34:42 PM >
_____________________________
DWP99
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RE: JOKES - 7/30/2006 12:18:08 AM
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Dennis
Posts: 7584
Status: offline
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A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw the envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "DAD". With the worse premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing this. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Barbara and she is so nice even with all her piercings, tattoos and her tight motorcylcle clothes.
But it's not only the passion, dad - she's pregnant and Barbara assures me that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her since she is so much older than I am, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood enough for the whole winter.
She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Barbara taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstacy we need.
In the meantime, we pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Barbara can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don't worry, dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son,
John
P.S. Dad, none of this is true. I'm over at Billy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card which is in my desk center drawer. I love you!
P.S.S. Call when it's safe for me to come home. 
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RE: JOKES - 8/7/2006 4:28:16 PM
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HummerGuy123
Posts: 372
Status: offline
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D,
I'm confused I thought it was all about lifts and chrome and being sensitive. Please explain!!!
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RE: JOKES - 8/9/2006 9:37:50 AM
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HummerGuy
Posts: 6669
Status: offline
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That was the most, um, different? animation I have ever seen...
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RE: JOKES - 8/9/2006 6:19:44 PM
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blackstangs281
Posts: 6783
Joined: 11/13/2005
From: Pittsburgh PA
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Dennis
Now try and get that tune out of your head..
THANKS DENNIS
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RE: JOKES - 8/11/2006 2:25:42 PM
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Dennis
Posts: 7584
Status: offline
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Cowboy in Gay Bar
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay
bar...What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the
name of your willy?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a
drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell
me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the
slogan 'Just Do It.'
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It
really Satisfies.' "
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give
him a second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a
beer, Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, Why Timex?"
The man proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!' "
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who
happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call
yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because
"Quality is Job One" "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....Like a Rock!" And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he
comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is;
SECRET. Now give me a beer!"
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled
look and asks "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's "STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN"!!!!!!
< Message edited by Dennis -- 8/11/2006 2:26:10 PM >
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