RE: JOKES

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RE: JOKES

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RE: JOKES - 3/21/2006 4:13:36 PM

Dennis

Posts: 7584
Status: offline

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

(in reply to Dennis)

Post #: 31

RE: JOKES - 3/21/2006 4:14:13 PM

Dennis

Posts: 7584
Status: offline

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a few pints and a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you must be from Ireland "

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am"
The first guy says, "So am I, and where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm

from Dublin , I am."
The first guy responds, and so am I
"Sure and begora, And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! So did I. And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers,
"Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!"
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight"
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that,Brian?

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

(in reply to Dennis)

Post #: 32

RE: JOKES - 3/22/2006 9:16:47 AM

Dennis

Posts: 7584
Status: offline

From a Hospital patient registry

1. The patient refused an autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant
with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states
she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day
it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally
alert but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her
life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for
physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and very
accommodating.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized........(I can relate to this one

)
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
__________________

(in reply to Dennis)

Post #: 33

RE: JOKES - 3/22/2006 4:05:44 PM

hummerific

Posts: 150
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

quote:

ORIGINAL: efrainl956

Where day actual ladders?

Were they actual letters?

Where is this world going?!

(in reply to Dennis)

Post #: 34

RE: JOKES - 3/22/2006 9:32:19 PM

Dennis

Posts: 7584
Status: offline

Important philosophical Answers

1. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
2. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
3. Animal testing is a terrible idea: they get all nervous and then give the wrong answers.
4. One-seventh of your life will be spent on Mondays.
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Post #: 35

RE: JOKES - 3/22/2006 9:56:30 PM

Dennis

Posts: 7584
Status: offline

Important philosophical Questions

1. Why is it only drug dealers and software developers call their clients 'users'?
2. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. How is it possible to have a civil war?
5. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
6. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
7. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
8. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
9. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
10. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
11. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
12. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
13. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
14. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
15. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
16. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said, "If I tell you, it would defeat the purpose.
17. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working?
18. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
19. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
22..And why do Drive through ATM's have Braile buttons?

(in reply to Dennis)

Post #: 36

RE: JOKES - 4/3/2006 9:48:47 PM

Dennis

Posts: 7584
Status: offline

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife.
She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

(in reply to Dennis)

Post #: 37

RE: JOKES - 4/26/2006 8:44:49 AM

Dennis

Posts: 7584
Status: offline

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The
doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things
are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then replied,"I
have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never
misses a season. One day when he was getting ready to go hunting, he
was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane
instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large
male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun
at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of
habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his
favorite hunting rifle and went 'Bang, bang!!!' Miraculously, two
shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a
couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly"

(in reply to Dennis)

Post #: 38

RE: JOKES - 4/27/2006 2:18:45 PM

Dennis

Posts: 7584
Status: offline

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? Tell that to Charles Manson.

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came, would I be standing here, dumbass?

(in reply to Dennis)

Post #: 39

RE: JOKES - 5/27/2006 12:10:21 PM

Dennis

Posts: 7584
Status: offline

Friendship differences

Friendship Among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day, she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband called his wife's 10 best friends.
Not one of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Among Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day, he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The wife called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

(in reply to Dennis)

Post #: 40

RE: JOKES - 6/2/2006 5:47:01 AM

Greenblade

Posts: 649
Joined: 3/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dennis

Friendship differences

Friendship Among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day, she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband called his wife's 10 best friends.
Not one of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Among Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day, he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The wife called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

that was hysterical

(in reply to Dennis)

Post #: 41

RE: JOKES - 6/15/2006 8:53:50 AM

Dennis

Posts: 7584
Status: offline

I want to work in Guam !

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time .
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think about this one for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless sales women are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~* ~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times it's own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of . ?)
(Did the government pay for this research?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last...
Turtles can breathe through their butts .
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

(in reply to Greenblade)

Post #: 42

RE: JOKES - 6/28/2006 1:12:39 PM

Dennis

Posts: 7584
Status: offline

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason:
"Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
>From Kingman, KS.
______________________________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City!
______________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?

To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
_______________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
___________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing."

Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."

Not another word was spoken.

We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
____________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"

His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
_______________________________________________________
STAY ALERT!

They walk among us ... and they REPRODUCE

(in reply to Dennis)

Post #: 43

RE: JOKES - 6/29/2006 9:27:25 AM

hummerific

Posts: 150
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

Did those things happen for real or are they just jokes put in a 'real story form'.

Those jokes you put on here are always hilarious and of good quality, not those cheap & cheesy ones. I like.

quote:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"

His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!

Half of this story happened to me once. We were in Miami with quite a big group of friends. One night we rented a 22 passenger escalade. The driver shows up !45! minutes late, and it was august so we were waiting outside the hotel in our nice clothes sweating our asses off. When the driver arrives he parks the limo right next to us, which was radiating heat like there's no tomorrow, and he hurries out to apologize and guess what.....the moron leaves the keys in the ignition, motor running, and he slams the door shut. So there we were, waiting for another hour or so.

But the rest of the night was really great, for as far as I can remember.

(in reply to Dennis)

Post #: 44

RE: JOKES - 7/11/2006 12:44:01 PM

Dennis

Posts: 7584
Status: offline

TOOKIE no More!

Twas the night before Tookie's execution and all through San Quentin; the Crips were protesting and liberals were ventin'.

The cyanide hung by the chamber with care, in hopes the grim reaper soon would be there.

The inmates were nestled all snug in their bed;
except for Old Tookie, who soon would be dead.

And me with my beer mug, dressed warm in my flannel, had curled up to watch it, on the Fox News Channel.

I set up my TIVO to record the news station, and thoroughly loved the momentous occasion.

It seemed lady justice had gotten her way, and that there would be one less savage today.

When outside the jail there arose such a clatter, the cameras had turned to see what was the matter.

When what to my civilized eyes did appear,
but a lineup of actors, all liberal, half queer.

The misguided freaks drew some curious looks, as they proclaimed his innocence, clutching his books.

The tears then flew out from Saradon's eyes, as she nominated him again for the Nobel Peace Prize.

The actors were tethered to an ACLU sleigh, all towing the line of the urban decay.

On Asner, on Penn, on liberal cop-haters. On Sharpton, on Jesse and other race-baiters.

Then at 00:01 all curled up like a beetle, Tookie cried like a bitch as they gave him the needle.

When up from the actors there arose such a cry, they had failed in their mission, and Tookie did die!

I heard Bill O'Reilly say, as I turned out my light, "Merry days to all.....there was justice tonight."

JUST FOR THE RECORD: anyone can nominate anyone for the Nobel Peace Prize. Winning it is the hard part.

(in reply to hummerific)

Post #: 45