RE: JOKES
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RE: JOKES - 7/8/2007 10:54:16 AM
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Muddydawg75
Posts: 9955
Joined: 3/11/2007
From: South Jersey Shore
Status: offline
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A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will al w ays be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
< Message edited by Muddydawg75 -- 7/8/2007 10:55:21 AM >
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RE: JOKES - 7/10/2007 3:06:12 PM
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Muddydawg75
Posts: 9955
Joined: 3/11/2007
From: South Jersey Shore
Status: offline
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A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage,he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
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RE: JOKES - 7/14/2007 4:21:04 AM
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Lane
Posts: 78
Status: offline
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Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women:
10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman...
1. You can buy a silencer for a gun!
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RE: JOKES - 7/14/2007 6:18:18 AM
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Muddydawg75
Posts: 9955
Joined: 3/11/2007
From: South Jersey Shore
Status: offline
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Nice...
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RE: JOKES - 7/18/2007 2:15:36 AM
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Lane
Posts: 78
Status: offline
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Drinking with a redneck girl......
A Mexican, an Iraqi and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."
The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one draft, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45 and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar and calling for a refill, she says, "In America, wehave so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
God Bless America!
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RE: JOKES - 7/22/2007 12:57:20 AM
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Lane
Posts: 78
Status: offline
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A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry lsit of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied,..."Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays, I fish.
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RE: JOKES - 7/22/2007 4:55:31 AM
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blackstangs281
Posts: 6785
Joined: 11/13/2005
From: Pittsburgh PA
Status: offline
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Five Surgeons
Five Surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think Librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order." [font="comic sans
ms"] The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.....There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable!"
_____________________________
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RE: JOKES - 7/22/2007 4:16:41 PM
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Muddydawg75
Posts: 9955
Joined: 3/11/2007
From: South Jersey Shore
Status: offline
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HEHEHE......
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RE: JOKES - 8/14/2007 10:14:18 PM
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Misster
Posts: 59
Joined: 3/24/2006
Status: offline
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Second that !
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RE: JOKES - 8/15/2007 4:06:51 AM
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Muddydawg75
Posts: 9955
Joined: 3/11/2007
From: South Jersey Shore
Status: offline
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THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
_____________________________
Graphics by HUMMER DRIVER
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." --Frank Sinatra
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RE: JOKES - 8/15/2007 9:13:39 AM
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dmb7280
Posts: 384
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline
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a grasshopper walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. the bartender looks at him and says "hey, we've got a drink named after you."
the grasshopper responds "really?! you've got a drink named steve?!"
_____________________________
Texan by birth, Red Raider by the grace of God!
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RE: JOKES - 8/15/2007 3:24:49 PM
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Muddydawg75
Posts: 9955
Joined: 3/11/2007
From: South Jersey Shore
Status: offline
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^^^^
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a
foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,"she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping
his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to th e side, loosened his
pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked,"How does that feel"?
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
_____________________________
Graphics by HUMMER DRIVER
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." --Frank Sinatra
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RE: JOKES - 8/16/2007 12:30:35 PM
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CRXMA22
Posts: 104
Joined: 7/18/2007
Status: offline
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George decided that he wanted to
throw a party & invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He held the party around the pool in the
backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good
time drinking, dancing, eating BBQ
flirting with the women. At the height of the party, george said, "I have a 10 ft. Man-eating gator in
my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has
the b@lls to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth
when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around
and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator
jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds head butts, chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both
Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it sink to the
bottom. Leroy then slowly climbed
out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in
disbelief.
Finally george says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I
owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
george: "Man, I have to give you
something. You won the bet. How about half a million
bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it.", answered Leroy.
george: "Come on, I insist on giving you
something. That was amazing. How about a new
Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
leroy still said, "NO!"
george is confused, "Well, Leroy, then
what do you want?"
Leroy answered, "I want the mutha******
who pushed me in the pool."
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RE: JOKES - 8/16/2007 4:01:31 PM
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Muddydawg75
Posts: 9955
Joined: 3/11/2007
From: South Jersey Shore
Status: offline
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A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the Trooper w alked up to the Corvette , looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.
_____________________________
Graphics by HUMMER DRIVER
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." --Frank Sinatra
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