RE: JOKES
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RE: JOKES - 6/27/2007 2:39:57 PM
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Mookie
Posts: 43
Joined: 6/15/2007
Status: offline
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You might be a redneck if...
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
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Stylin' & Profilin'...Coast to Coast like buttered toast...ten feet tall & thicker than a brick wall.....the women's pet & the man's regret.
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RE: JOKES - 6/27/2007 2:40:49 PM
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Mookie
Posts: 43
Joined: 6/15/2007
Status: offline
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Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring
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Stylin' & Profilin'...Coast to Coast like buttered toast...ten feet tall & thicker than a brick wall.....the women's pet & the man's regret.
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RE: JOKES - 6/27/2007 10:38:47 PM
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Misster
Posts: 59
Joined: 3/24/2006
Status: offline
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RE: JOKES - 6/27/2007 10:39:41 PM
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Misster
Posts: 59
Joined: 3/24/2006
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Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts .
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts, and not listening to them."
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RE: JOKES - 6/29/2007 6:37:01 AM
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Mookie
Posts: 43
Joined: 6/15/2007
Status: offline
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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
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Stylin' & Profilin'...Coast to Coast like buttered toast...ten feet tall & thicker than a brick wall.....the women's pet & the man's regret.
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RE: JOKES - 6/29/2007 6:56:13 AM
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HummerGuy
Posts: 6689
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A man walked up to me on the train today and asked "Sir, can I have a dollar?"
I said "Sure, take it out of that ladies purse over there."
Sorry, I made that up last night while my wife and I were watching "Last Comic Standing" I think she looks at me just a little differently now............
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RE: JOKES - 6/29/2007 7:41:21 AM
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Mookie
Posts: 43
Joined: 6/15/2007
Status: offline
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I am married.......so I definatly "get it"
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Stylin' & Profilin'...Coast to Coast like buttered toast...ten feet tall & thicker than a brick wall.....the women's pet & the man's regret.
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RE: JOKES - 6/29/2007 8:01:15 AM
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HummerGuy
Posts: 6689
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Mookie
I am married.......so I definatly "get it"
See, now THAT was funny 
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RE: JOKES - 6/30/2007 2:10:11 PM
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Muddydawg75
Posts: 9966
Joined: 3/11/2007
From: South Jersey Shore
Status: offline
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George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes six police cars,an Armed Response Unit,Police dogs and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
< Message edited by Muddydawg75 -- 6/30/2007 2:11:22 PM >
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RE: JOKES - 6/30/2007 2:12:01 PM
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Muddydawg75
Posts: 9966
Joined: 3/11/2007
From: South Jersey Shore
Status: offline
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A grandmother was pushing her grandchild around Wal-Mart in a buggy. Each time she put something in the basket, she would say, "And here's something for you, Diploma," or "This will make a cute little outfit for you Diploma," and so on.
Eventually a bewildered shopper who'd heard all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?"
The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to college at Michigan State and this is what she came home with!"
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RE: JOKES - 7/3/2007 11:39:32 PM
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Misster
Posts: 59
Joined: 3/24/2006
Status: offline
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A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
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