RE: JOKES
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RE: JOKES - 6/27/2007 11:43:04 AM
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Misster
Posts: 59
Joined: 3/24/2006
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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
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RE: JOKES - 6/27/2007 2:08:11 PM
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Mookie
Posts: 43
Joined: 6/15/2007
Status: offline
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Bumper stickers 01I love animals, they taste great.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
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Stylin' & Profilin'...Coast to Coast like buttered toast...ten feet tall & thicker than a brick wall.....the women's pet & the man's regret.
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RE: JOKES - 6/27/2007 2:08:57 PM
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Mookie
Posts: 43
Joined: 6/15/2007
Status: offline
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Looking to buy a frog?A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
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Stylin' & Profilin'...Coast to Coast like buttered toast...ten feet tall & thicker than a brick wall.....the women's pet & the man's regret.
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RE: JOKES - 6/27/2007 2:09:19 PM
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Mookie
Posts: 43
Joined: 6/15/2007
Status: offline
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Arriving home very drunkA man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
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Stylin' & Profilin'...Coast to Coast like buttered toast...ten feet tall & thicker than a brick wall.....the women's pet & the man's regret.
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RE: JOKES - 6/27/2007 2:09:40 PM
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Mookie
Posts: 43
Joined: 6/15/2007
Status: offline
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You looked a lot like my wifeA serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
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Stylin' & Profilin'...Coast to Coast like buttered toast...ten feet tall & thicker than a brick wall.....the women's pet & the man's regret.
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RE: JOKES - 6/27/2007 2:10:02 PM
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Mookie
Posts: 43
Joined: 6/15/2007
Status: offline
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Making a bet at a barTwo guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.
"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
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Stylin' & Profilin'...Coast to Coast like buttered toast...ten feet tall & thicker than a brick wall.....the women's pet & the man's regret.
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RE: JOKES - 6/27/2007 2:10:46 PM
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Mookie
Posts: 43
Joined: 6/15/2007
Status: offline
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John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
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Stylin' & Profilin'...Coast to Coast like buttered toast...ten feet tall & thicker than a brick wall.....the women's pet & the man's regret.
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RE: JOKES - 6/27/2007 2:11:07 PM
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Mookie
Posts: 43
Joined: 6/15/2007
Status: offline
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A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."
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Stylin' & Profilin'...Coast to Coast like buttered toast...ten feet tall & thicker than a brick wall.....the women's pet & the man's regret.
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RE: JOKES - 6/27/2007 2:11:35 PM
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Mookie
Posts: 43
Joined: 6/15/2007
Status: offline
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The story of a very short manA man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
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Stylin' & Profilin'...Coast to Coast like buttered toast...ten feet tall & thicker than a brick wall.....the women's pet & the man's regret.
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RE: JOKES - 6/27/2007 2:12:08 PM
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Mookie
Posts: 43
Joined: 6/15/2007
Status: offline
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There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
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Stylin' & Profilin'...Coast to Coast like buttered toast...ten feet tall & thicker than a brick wall.....the women's pet & the man's regret.
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RE: JOKES - 6/27/2007 2:12:35 PM
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Mookie
Posts: 43
Joined: 6/15/2007
Status: offline
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Where is this bus going?A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
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Stylin' & Profilin'...Coast to Coast like buttered toast...ten feet tall & thicker than a brick wall.....the women's pet & the man's regret.
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RE: JOKES - 6/27/2007 2:13:01 PM
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Mookie
Posts: 43
Joined: 6/15/2007
Status: offline
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A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.
The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."
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Stylin' & Profilin'...Coast to Coast like buttered toast...ten feet tall & thicker than a brick wall.....the women's pet & the man's regret.
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RE: JOKES - 6/27/2007 2:13:43 PM
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Mookie
Posts: 43
Joined: 6/15/2007
Status: offline
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A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
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Stylin' & Profilin'...Coast to Coast like buttered toast...ten feet tall & thicker than a brick wall.....the women's pet & the man's regret.
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RE: JOKES - 6/27/2007 2:14:38 PM
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Mookie
Posts: 43
Joined: 6/15/2007
Status: offline
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Three vampires go to a barThree vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
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Stylin' & Profilin'...Coast to Coast like buttered toast...ten feet tall & thicker than a brick wall.....the women's pet & the man's regret.
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RE: JOKES - 6/27/2007 2:15:49 PM
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Mookie
Posts: 43
Joined: 6/15/2007
Status: offline
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A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".
The dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."
"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure" replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!
The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!
WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"
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Stylin' & Profilin'...Coast to Coast like buttered toast...ten feet tall & thicker than a brick wall.....the women's pet & the man's regret.
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