RE: JOKES
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RE: JOKES - 6/21/2007 5:50:59 AM
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Hummergirl4
Posts: 1019
Joined: 4/24/2007
From: Upstate New York
Status: offline
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[/quote] What's the difference between a Rectal thermometer and an Oral thermometer?
The Taste
[/quote]
[link=http://smiley.smileycentral.com/download/index.jhtml?partner=ZSzeb113_ZNxmk762YYUS&utm_id=7921][/link]
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Silly boys... trucks are for girls
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RE: JOKES - 6/22/2007 11:52:45 AM
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Trayderjoe
Posts: 252
Joined: 4/24/2007
Status: offline
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
after they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo @#$%. Someone stole the tent."
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Joe
2007 H3 Victory Red-Just the way I wanted it!
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RE: JOKES - 6/23/2007 3:46:36 AM
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Lane
Posts: 78
Status: offline
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was headaing straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned and smiled and said, "Business. I"m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I"m sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
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RE: JOKES - 6/23/2007 6:31:02 AM
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blackstangs281
Posts: 6834
Joined: 11/13/2005
From: Pittsburgh PA
Status: offline
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_____________________________
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RE: JOKES - 6/24/2007 8:30:01 PM
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Muddydawg75
Posts: 9966
Joined: 3/11/2007
From: South Jersey Shore
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Lane
Have you heard about the instant lottery in Pakistan?
You buy a card, scratch it off and if the dot showing matches the one on your forehead, you win a gas station in New Jersey!
The ones with dots are push start.... the ones with Turbans are pull start.....
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RE: JOKES - 6/24/2007 8:56:38 PM
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Muddydawg75
Posts: 9966
Joined: 3/11/2007
From: South Jersey Shore
Status: offline
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A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample." The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?" The wife yells back to him,
"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"
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RE: JOKES - 6/26/2007 10:23:19 AM
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Okanagan Hummer Girl
Posts: 82
Status: offline
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Love it! Thanks for the grins. 
_____________________________
Happily Ever After Starts Now!
2007 Hummer H3
(Birch) Snow White
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RE: JOKES - 6/27/2007 11:08:23 AM
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Misster
Posts: 59
Joined: 3/24/2006
Status: offline
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A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,"
he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.
(scroll down)
"MY ROLEX!"
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RE: JOKES - 6/27/2007 11:11:03 AM
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Misster
Posts: 59
Joined: 3/24/2006
Status: offline
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Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in,
it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two men drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air
and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here?
You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!
Nah, says the farmer, That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was chained to a railroad tie.
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RE: JOKES - 6/27/2007 11:13:08 AM
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Misster
Posts: 59
Joined: 3/24/2006
Status: offline
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Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."
Wife: "Do you want dinner?"
Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes and no."
Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"
Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!!"
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."
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RE: JOKES - 6/27/2007 11:23:27 AM
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Misster
Posts: 59
Joined: 3/24/2006
Status: offline
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Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters
sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
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