RE: JOKES
Login  | |
|
RE: JOKES - 5/26/2007 6:42:25 AM
|
|
|
Muddydawg75
Posts: 9955
Joined: 3/11/2007
From: South Jersey Shore
Status: offline
|
^^^OUCH
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, playing golf -always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
RE: JOKES - 5/28/2007 4:20:20 PM
|
|
|
littlehummerboy
Posts: 2176
Status: offline
|
This test only has one question, but it is a very important one. By
giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The
test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you
will have to make a decision. Remember, you must be spontaneous. Please
scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
THE SITUATION:
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around
you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of
Biblical proportions.
You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly
hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people
swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is
unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST:
Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life,
trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow
the woman looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is.
It's Hillary Clinton!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take
her under forever. You have two
options: You can save the life of Hillary
Clinton or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo,
documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women.
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: JOKES - 5/28/2007 4:23:40 PM
|
|
|
blackstangs281
Posts: 6813
Joined: 11/13/2005
From: Pittsburgh PA
Status: offline
|
_____________________________
|
|
|
|
|
RE: JOKES - 5/28/2007 5:00:59 PM
|
|
|
Muddydawg75
Posts: 9955
Joined: 3/11/2007
From: South Jersey Shore
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: blackstangs281
x2
|
|
|
|
|
RE: JOKES - 5/28/2007 5:08:16 PM
|
|
|
Muddydawg75
Posts: 9955
Joined: 3/11/2007
From: South Jersey Shore
Status: offline
|
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians
will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."[/font
|
|
|
|
|
RE: JOKES - 5/29/2007 10:02:11 AM
|
|
|
Okanagan Hummer Girl
Posts: 82
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Muddydawg75
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT
_____________________________
Happily Ever After Starts Now!
2007 Hummer H3
(Birch) Snow White
|
|
|
|
|
RE: JOKES - 5/29/2007 5:35:53 PM
|
|
|
Muddydawg75
Posts: 9955
Joined: 3/11/2007
From: South Jersey Shore
Status: offline
|
you know.... I didn't accidently forget the last part....
|
|
|
|
|
RE: JOKES - 5/31/2007 4:42:23 PM
|
|
|
Muddydawg75
Posts: 9955
Joined: 3/11/2007
From: South Jersey Shore
Status: offline
|
NJ Driving Rules
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is New-erk not
New-ark.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush
hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday
morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the
parkway it's 105 or 110. Anything less is considered "Wussy."
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own
version of traffic r ules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest
muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires
go second. However, in Monmouth county, SUV-driving, cellphone-talking
mothers ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended,
cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can
get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey.
Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during
the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more
exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks,dogs, cats,
barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shre dded tires,cell-phoners,
deer and other road kill, and the Homeless feeding on any of these
items.
9. Mapquest does not work here -- none of the roads are where they say
they are or go where they say they do and all the Turnpike ez pass lanes
are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the
shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally
activated."
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone,
you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly.
If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
12. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon
for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after
church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning
|
|
|
|
|
RE: JOKES - 6/2/2007 11:25:08 AM
|
|
|
Muddydawg75
Posts: 9955
Joined: 3/11/2007
From: South Jersey Shore
Status: offline
|
The Pasta Diet and Your Health
ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!
1.. You walka pasta da bakery.
2.. You walka pasta da candy store.
3.. You walk a pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!
And...
For those of you who watch what you eat,
here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth
after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: JOKES - 6/5/2007 12:38:10 PM
|
|
|
Dennis
Posts: 7584
Status: offline
|
Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !"
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America !"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa !"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
RE: JOKES - 6/6/2007 5:26:23 PM
|
|
|
Muddydawg75
Posts: 9955
Joined: 3/11/2007
From: South Jersey Shore
Status: offline
|
awesome....
|
|
|
|
|
RE: JOKES - 6/6/2007 5:39:20 PM
|
|
|
Trayderjoe
Posts: 252
Joined: 4/24/2007
Status: offline
|
A woman goes to a funeral home to make final arrangements for her recently deceased husband. The mortician takes her in to see her husband all prepped for the funeral. The wife comments on the very nice black suit that her husband is dressed in, but insists that he be buried in their favor color blue. The mortician pointed out that the suit was dark, and couldn't understand why the need for a blue suit. The woman handed the mortician $500 and insisted that he buy a nice blue suit for her husband. The next day, the woman arrives and sees her husband in a very nice blue suit. The mortician handed her back the $500, and she insisted that she should pay for the suit. The mortician told her is would not cost her anything since there was another woman who insisted on having her husband buried in a black suit and not the blue suit he was in, so the mortician switched...................heads.
_____________________________
Joe
2007 H3 Victory Red-Just the way I wanted it!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: JOKES - 6/6/2007 6:46:12 PM
|
|
|
TigerLily
Posts: 3148
Joined: 6/6/2006
Status: online
|
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut ?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked "How long before I can get a haircut ?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a
haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, About an hour and half." The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where
he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves ?"
Bob looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."
_____________________________
|
|
|
|
|
RE: JOKES - 6/7/2007 10:45:07 AM
|
|
|
littlehummerboy
Posts: 2176
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: TigerLily
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut ?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked "How long before I can get a haircut ?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a
haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, About an hour and half." The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where
he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves ?"
Bob looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."
|
|
|
|
 Today's Posts
Most Active Topics
Make A Donation
Forum Rules & FAQ
RSS Feeds
Hummer Prices
Hummers
Hummer H1
Hummer H2
Hummer H3
Advertising Info
|
Contact Us |
Advertising |
Automotive Directory |
About Us |
Link To Us |
Archive |
Hummer Links |
Legal |
Privacy Policy |
© Hummer Forums.com
Hummer Forums .com is not affiliated with or endorsed by General Motors Corporation.
|
Printable Version
