RE: JOKES
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RE: JOKES - 5/7/2007 2:46:57 PM
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Misster
Posts: 59
Joined: 3/24/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Lane
Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows on tv, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas Style."
The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville.
They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo.
From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay," "I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef,' "George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2008," "I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns," and "Lonestar Sucks and I Only Drink Winecoolers."
The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
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RE: JOKES - 5/15/2007 11:51:59 PM
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Misster
Posts: 59
Joined: 3/24/2006
Status: offline
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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,
Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be
In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted
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RE: JOKES - 5/16/2007 12:22:42 AM
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HummBob
Posts: 16229
Joined: 5/6/2006
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_____________________________
2004 Black Hummer H2
2007 Black Escalade
 
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RE: JOKES - 5/16/2007 9:17:18 AM
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Hummergirl4
Posts: 1019
Joined: 4/24/2007
From: Upstate New York
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TigerLily
quote:
ORIGINAL: Misster
Guess which one is the female...
Thumbnail Image
The one standing quietly, looking away, not to add to the obvious anger and drama that the male is feeling? That'd be my guess ...
I was thinking the same thing
_____________________________
Silly boys... trucks are for girls
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RE: JOKES - 5/16/2007 9:21:42 AM
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Hummergirl4
Posts: 1019
Joined: 4/24/2007
From: Upstate New York
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Lane
Husband and wife in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She says, "Oh, honey, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She says, "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She says, "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But suddently he stops.
She asks, "Why did you stop?"
He comments, "I found the remote."
 I'm afraid he'd have to get hurt for that...hahahha
[link=http://smiley.smileycentral.com/download/index.jhtml?partner=ZSzeb114_ZNxmk762YYUS&utm_id=7922][/link]
_____________________________
Silly boys... trucks are for girls
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RE: JOKES - 5/18/2007 4:26:06 AM
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Lane
Posts: 78
Status: offline
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WHERE TO LIVE WHEN YOU RETIRE:
You can live in Phoenix, AZ where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you when you open your oven door.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot and are you kidding me??!!
You can live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a home.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
decisions....decisions
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RE: JOKES - 5/19/2007 12:47:12 AM
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Lane
Posts: 78
Status: offline
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You can live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.
You can live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names" Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Willie Ray, Betty Jean, etc.
You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald but you still have a pony tail.
And you can live in Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
decisions......decisions
< Message edited by Lane -- 5/19/2007 12:48:42 AM >
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RE: JOKES - 5/19/2007 2:16:43 AM
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blackstangs281
Posts: 6834
Joined: 11/13/2005
From: Pittsburgh PA
Status: offline
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_____________________________
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RE: JOKES - 5/19/2007 2:46:50 AM
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Muddydawg75
Posts: 9966
Joined: 3/11/2007
From: South Jersey Shore
Status: offline
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A recent survey revealed that the average American male walks 900 miles per year. Another survey revealed that the average American male consumes 20 gallons of beer per year. Conclusion: The average American male gets 45 miles per gallon. Just thought you should know this.
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RE: JOKES - 5/24/2007 2:13:07 PM
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Muddydawg75
Posts: 9966
Joined: 3/11/2007
From: South Jersey Shore
Status: offline
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Jon Corzine is the first NJ governor to be in a car accident while in office....although speculation is pretty high that Jim McGreevy was rear-ended a few times.
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RE: JOKES - 5/24/2007 6:06:31 PM
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H34 pleasure
Posts: 3735
Joined: 11/2/2006
From: Effort, Pa
Status: offline
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_____________________________
{ Tina }
2007 H3 Lux package ( Slate Blue Metallic )
2002 Honda Goldwing ( Burnt Orange )
BAD A$$ GIRLS..DRIVE BAD A$$ TOYS
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RE: JOKES - 5/24/2007 11:52:55 PM
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HummBob
Posts: 16229
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline
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_____________________________
2004 Black Hummer H2
2007 Black Escalade
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RE: JOKES - 5/25/2007 1:04:58 AM
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Lane
Posts: 78
Status: offline
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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "you must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly."
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RE: JOKES - 5/25/2007 8:34:06 AM
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littlehummerboy
Posts: 2176
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Lane
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "you must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly."
Ooooh
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