JOKES
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JOKES - 2/3/2006 10:55:17 AM
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Dennis
Posts: 7584
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For those having trouble making New Years' Resolutions, I humbly offer this list. Many of these will not apply to you, but dammit, they need to apply to SOMEBODY.
1. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.Com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years, it's because you don't particularly like them or give a sh!t! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days - he's mowing my lawn.
2. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? You're lucky it was only a finger. If it were a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
3. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blond teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "lucky bastards". And yes, it's true: every guy who says, out loud, something like, "My God, that's terrible" or " What has the world come to?" Is secretly saying to himself "I wish it happened to me!!"
Note from typing class: I will N-E-V-E-R forget Miss Rogers, my high school typing teacher. She reached around from behind to show me how. The good part was, she had big boobs out to here................. I needed a LOT of help!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When I got out of HS, I could type 450 WPM
4. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. If you only have One? Fine, make it into two. Problem solved.
5. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water, pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. There's your flavored water.
6. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet n'-Low and one NutraSweet," you're such a big asshole that you'll probably capture regular sized assholes in orbit around you. You might as well ask the kid behind the counter to fly the space shuttle. You're clogging up the line with that stupid order, move along dumbshit!
7. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass and it translates to "beef with broccoli." Spirituality is revealed by a dedication to ideals that transcend the gratification of the self, not by low-rise jeans. The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. Do you really think that spiritual Chinese wear American characters on their butt cracks?
8. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
9. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. Be creative for a change?
10. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for new homes and babies' first poop party and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's called "Social Extortion."
11. New Rule, and this one
< Message edited by Dennis -- 2/3/2006 10:59:00 AM >
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RE: JOKES - 2/3/2006 11:44:53 AM
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dilo2001gt
Posts: 4300
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I just got the same thing on my email from a freind that's weird
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RE: PIZZA in 2010 - 2/8/2006 1:22:36 AM
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efrainl956
Posts: 275
Joined: 5/12/2005
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I think rule #3 is sooo right!  I'm so envious!
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RE: PIZZA in 2010 - 2/8/2006 7:33:55 AM
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dilo2001gt
Posts: 4300
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That's are future
That was a good one Dennis
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RE: PIZZA in 2010 - 2/9/2006 10:55:45 AM
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Patrick
Posts: 1081
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very funny...and number 3 is also one that i shake my head about..i had this math teacher when i was in 8th grade and she was SUPER hot...just out of college...blonde...damn she was fine...
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RE: JOKES - 2/9/2006 3:15:38 PM
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Dennis
Posts: 7584
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Dear Abby
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the very
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for
a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit
with his buddies and play the Sax, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed, Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and get a real life and dump the bum. Good grief woman. You don't need him anymore, You're an United States Senator of New York. Start Acting like one.
< Message edited by Dennis -- 2/9/2006 3:16:01 PM >
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RE: JOKES - 2/15/2006 9:50:09 AM
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Dennis
Posts: 7584
Status: offline
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It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is,
However, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in".
Pervert---Wipe that smile off your face.
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RE: JOKES - 2/15/2006 10:49:32 PM
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Dennis
Posts: 7584
Status: offline
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The American Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."
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Printable Version
The government got that one covered too I see.
