JOKES - Page 8

H34 pleasure

6/11/2007 5:06:48 PM

quote:

ORIGINAL: Muddydawg75

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

''You got Male!'"

peanutic

6/11/2007 7:54:43 PM

Nice thread!!! XD

Lane

6/12/2007 1:21:59 AM

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over 10 million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending twelve million replacement Mexicans!

Misster

6/13/2007 9:57:25 AM

A man dials a number: "Hello, is this the sheriff's office?"
"Yes, what can we do for you?"
"My name is Floyd and I'm calling to report my neighbour Virgil Smith...he's hiding marijuana inside his firewood! I don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there"
"Thank you very much for your call, sir !"

The next day, the sheriff's deputies descent on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, Virgil's phone rings,
"Hey Virgil! This here's Floyd... did the sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy birthday buddy!"

Muddydawg75

6/13/2007 3:51:32 PM

^^^HAHAHA

The Cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral. I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.

Okanagan Hummer Girl

6/13/2007 4:03:23 PM

Proctologist joke

A proctologist just finished examining a patient and said "good by Mr.
Smith, see you next week". The nurse walks in a few minutes later and
has a form for the Proctologist to sign. The nurse sees that he is
trying to write with his rectal thermometer and informs the doctor of his
mistake. He exclaims "oh man, some asshole stole my pen!"

Misster

6/14/2007 9:43:06 AM

A younger guy opens the door to the barbeshop full of people and asks the barber: "How long a wait for a haircut?"
"One hour" answers the barber.
The guy disappears and doesn't come back.
Next day the same guy opens the door again and asks: "How long a wait for a haircut?"
"One and half hour" answers the barber.
The guy disappears and doesn't come back.

The same thing keeps going on for more than a week.
Finally the barber can't help it and tells his assistant to follow the guy.
After a while the assistant comes back and is almost choking of laughter.
"What? Tell me, where did he go?"
The assistant can barely answer, laughing: "To your house!"

Dennis

6/14/2007 9:45:06 AM

quote:

ORIGINAL: Misster

A younger guy opens the door to the barbeshop full of people and asks the barber: "How long a wait for a haircut?"
"One hour" answers the barber.
The guy disappears and doesn't come back.
Next day the same guy opens the door again and asks: "How long a wait for a haircut?"
"One and half hour" answers the barber.
The guy disappears and doesn't come back.

The same thing keeps going on for more than a week.
Finally the barber can't help it and tells his assistant to follow the guy.
After a while the assistant comes back and is almost choking of laughter.
"What? Tell me, where did he go?"
The assistant can barely answer, laughing: "To your house!"

This seems real familar

Dennis

6/14/2007 9:46:23 AM

quote:

ORIGINAL: Okanagan Hummer Girl

Proctologist joke

A proctologist just finished examining a patient and said "good by Mr.
Smith, see you next week". The nurse walks in a few minutes later and
has a form for the Proctologist to sign. The nurse sees that he is
trying to write with his rectal thermometer and informs the doctor of his
mistake. He exclaims "oh man, some asshole stole my pen!"

What's the difference between a Rectal thermometer and an Oral thermometer?

The Taste

Dennis

6/14/2007 9:47:40 AM

Do you know why FARTS smell?

So deaf people can enjoy them too..

HummerGuy

6/14/2007 12:07:37 PM

Muddydawg75

6/14/2007 3:49:00 PM

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
--------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door , who do you let in first?
The dog , of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- -----------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Misster

6/14/2007 11:53:29 PM

Muddydawg75

6/15/2007 1:18:45 PM

No one believes seniors. Everyone thinks they are all senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.

The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved

back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to

their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the

old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out ofan armored car,

practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but

not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the

money--fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and

hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were c anvassing the neighborhood looking for

the money, and knocked on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find

a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.

One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school

yesterday..."

The first FBI guy turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here."

Lane

6/16/2007 4:04:50 AM

The latest poll taken by the California Governor's office asked whether California residents think illegal immigration is a serious problem.

29% responded "Yes, it is a serious problem."

45% responded "No, ees no problema."

26% responded "No hablo inglese."

(Help us, Jesus!!!)

Dennis

6/18/2007 5:46:39 AM

Swearing can be fun...

SWEAR JAR

Lane

6/21/2007 3:56:49 AM

Have you heard about the instant lottery in Pakistan?

You buy a card, scratch it off and if the dot showing matches the one on your forehead, you win a gas station in New Jersey!

Hummergirl4

6/21/2007 5:50:59 AM

[/quote] What's the difference between a Rectal thermometer and an Oral thermometer?

The Taste

[/quote]

[link=http://smiley.smileycentral.com/download/index.jhtml?partner=ZSzeb113_ZNxmk762YYUS&utm_id=7921][/link]

Trayderjoe

6/22/2007 11:52:45 AM

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
after they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo @#$%. Someone stole the tent."

Lane

6/23/2007 3:46:36 AM

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was headaing straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned and smiled and said, "Business. I"m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I"m sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

blackstangs281

6/23/2007 6:31:02 AM

Dennis

6/23/2007 8:53:46 AM

It's Tonto Goldberg.....joke stealer

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