JOKES - Page 7

quote:

ORIGINAL: Muddydawg75

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 
 

you know....  I didn't accidently forget the last part....
 

NJ Driving Rules
 

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is New-erk not
New-ark.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush
hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday
morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the
parkway it's 105 or 110. Anything less is considered "Wussy."

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own
version of traffic r ules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest
muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires
go second. However, in Monmouth county, SUV-driving, cellphone-talking
mothers ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended,
cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can
get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey.
Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during
the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more
exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks,dogs, cats,
barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shre dded tires,cell-phoners,
deer and other road kill, and the Homeless feeding on any of these
items.

9. Mapquest does not work here -- none of the roads are where they say
they are or go where they say they do and all the Turnpike ez pass lanes
are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the
shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally
activated."

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone,
you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly.
If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon
for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after
church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning

The Pasta Diet and Your Health 
 ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walka pasta da bakery.

2.. You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walk a pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

And...

For those of you who watch what you eat,
here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth
after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you. 

 Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"
 
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
 
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !"
 
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
 
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America !"
 
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"
 
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
 
She says, "No, I am from Africa !"
 
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
 
 
 
The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work
 

That is too funny!

awesome....

A woman goes to a funeral home to make final arrangements for her recently deceased husband.  The mortician takes her in to see her husband all prepped for the funeral.  The wife comments on the very nice black suit that her husband is dressed in, but insists that he be buried in their favor color blue.  The mortician pointed out that the suit was dark, and couldn't understand why the need for a blue suit.  The woman handed the mortician $500 and insisted that he buy a nice blue suit for her husband.  The next day, the woman arrives and sees her husband in a very nice blue suit.  The mortician handed her back the $500, and she insisted that she should pay for the suit.  The mortician told her is would not cost her anything since there was another woman who insisted on having her husband buried in a black suit and not the blue suit he was in, so the mortician switched...................heads.

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut ?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked "How long before I can get a haircut ?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a
haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, About an hour and half." The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where
he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves ?"

Bob looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

quote:

ORIGINAL: TigerLily

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut ?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked "How long before I can get a haircut ?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a
haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, About an hour and half." The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where
he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves ?"

Bob looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

 

Oh my gosh, these are all just to funny..

Find the young George Carlin...

hahaha - there's always one in every crowd (or classroom)

A business man got on an elevator.  When he entered, there was a
blonde
already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest
smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain, "'T-G-I-F' means
'Thank Goodness It's Friday.'  Get it duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
 

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.  "What are you so happy about?" asks the barkeep.  "Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man.  "You know I live by the railroad tracks.  Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films.  I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.  Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!  We made love all night, all over the house.  We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imagineable!"  "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barkeep.  "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?"
 
"Dunno.......never found her head." 

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lane

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.  "What are you so happy about?" asks the barkeep.  "Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man.  "You know I live by the railroad tracks.  Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films.  I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.  Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!  We made love all night, all over the house.  We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imagineable!"  "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barkeep.  "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?"

"Dunno.......never found her head." 

 
 
GROSSSS!!!!

Nahhhh, now this is gross:
 
I met an older woman at a bar last night.  She wasn't bad for 62.  We drank and BS'd a bit then she asked if I had ever had the "sportsman's double", a mother and daughter 3-some?  I said 'no' and we drank a bit more then she says that tonight was my lucky night.  I went back to her place.  She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
 
"Mom, you still awake?" 

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lane

Nahhhh, now this is gross:

I met an older woman at a bar last night.  She wasn't bad for 62.  We drank and BS'd a bit then she asked if I had ever had the "sportsman's double", a mother and daughter 3-some?  I said 'no' and we drank a bit more then she says that tonight was my lucky night.  I went back to her place.  She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom, you still awake?" 

 
 
YUP, You're RIGHT....That is GROSSSS!!!!

That's HAWT  ^^^^^^
 
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in...and then the trouble started.