Misster
5/3/2007 1:42:36 PM
What do a 9v battery and a woman's backside have in common ?
You know it's wrong, but sooner or later you'll put your tongue in both...
dilo2001gt
5/4/2007 7:47:01 AM
THE BROKEN MOWER
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed . But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - - always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.
Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows on tv, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas Style."
The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville.
They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo.
From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay," "I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef,' "George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2008," "I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns," and "Lonestar Sucks and I Only Drink Winecoolers."
The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
Misster
5/15/2007 11:51:59 PM
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,
Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be
In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted
Hummergirl4
5/16/2007 9:17:18 AM
quote:
ORIGINAL: TigerLily
quote:
ORIGINAL: Misster
Guess which one is the female...
Thumbnail Image
The one standing quietly, looking away, not to add to the obvious anger and drama that the male is feeling? That'd be my guess ...
I was thinking the same thing
Hummergirl4
5/16/2007 9:21:42 AM
quote:
ORIGINAL: Lane
Husband and wife in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She says, "Oh, honey, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She says, "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She says, "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But suddently he stops.
She asks, "Why did you stop?"
He comments, "I found the remote."
I'm afraid he'd have to get hurt for that...hahahha
[link=http://smiley.smileycentral.com/download/index.jhtml?partner=ZSzeb114_ZNxmk762YYUS&utm_id=7922][/link]
Lane
5/18/2007 4:26:06 AM
WHERE TO LIVE WHEN YOU RETIRE:
You can live in Phoenix, AZ where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you when you open your oven door.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot and are you kidding me??!!
You can live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a home.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
decisions....decisions
Lane
5/19/2007 12:47:12 AM
You can live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.
You can live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names" Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Willie Ray, Betty Jean, etc.
You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald but you still have a pony tail.
And you can live in Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
decisions......decisions
Muddydawg75
5/19/2007 2:46:50 AM
A recent survey revealed that the average American male walks 900 miles per year. Another survey revealed that the average American male consumes 20 gallons of beer per year. Conclusion: The average American male gets 45 miles per gallon.
