JOKES - Page 3

This guy walks into this bar, the bar tender asks if he is here to enter the he man contest. The guy askes what do I have to do?

The bar tender says there are 3 things you have to do. The first thing is, do you see that big guy at the end of the bar? The guy

looks down towards the other end of the bar and sees this huge guy sitting there and says yah. the bar tender says you have to

knock him out with one punch. I don't know about that the guy replies, what's the next thing? The bar tender says, out behind the

bar is a lake and in the lake is a 10 foot alligator with an absessed tooth. You need to go out back, pull that tooth and bring it in

here and place it on the bar. Wow exclaims the guy, I know I can't do that but what's the third thing I need to do? The bar tender

says, the third and final thing is, there's a 90 year old nymphomaniac down the road about a mile. You need to go down there and

bring her to orgasim. Oh boy the guy cringes, I'll be back.

well after about 3 hours the guy returns, (he's made the rounds to some of the other bars and had a few drinks) so in slured speech

he says what's the first thing I got to do? the bar tender just glances down towards the big guy, oh ya says the guy and walks up to

the big guy BAM one punch and the big guy falls out cold. the guy staggers up to the bar tender and says, what's the second thing?

The bar tender glances towards the lake, oh yah and out the door he goes. Well all you could hear is screaming and splashing and

more screaming and splashing. then a few minutes more and the guy comes walking throught the door and he is all bloody and his

clothes are torn. he looks pretty bad. Anyways he comes walking in leans on the bar and says

Ok now where's the bitch with the bad tooth.

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw the envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "DAD". With the worse premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing this. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Barbara and she is so nice even with all her piercings, tattoos and her tight motorcylcle clothes.

But it's not only the passion, dad - she's pregnant and Barbara assures me that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her since she is so much older than I am, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood enough for the whole winter.

She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Barbara taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstacy we need.

In the meantime, we pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Barbara can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry, dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,

John

P.S. Dad, none of this is true. I'm over at Billy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card which is in my desk center drawer. I love you!

P.S.S. Call when it's safe for me to come home.

This is what I call fun..Now smile everyone and enjoy..this is what HUMMERFORUMS is all about..FUN.Damnit!

DIET COKE and Mentos

D,

I'm confused I thought it was all about lifts and chrome and being sensitive. Please explain!!!

We surely are not alone..Mathimatically impossible.

Lesson on the Universe

That was the most, um, different? animation I have ever seen...

Now try and get that tune out of your head..

You all remember that story recently about the Dobberman in England that chewed up thousands of dollars worth of Teddy bears, even Elvis 's..?

Well what you didn't know, was that the dog had an accomplice..

BUSTER

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dennis

Now try and get that tune out of your head..

THANKS DENNIS

Cowboy in Gay Bar


A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay
bar...What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the
name of your willy?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a
drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell
me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the
slogan 'Just Do It.'

That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It
really Satisfies.' "

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give
him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a
beer, Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty cowboy asks, Why Timex?"

The man proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!' "

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who
happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call
yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because
"Quality is Job One" "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....Like a Rock!" And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he
comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is;

SECRET. Now give me a beer!"

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled
look and asks "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's "STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN"!!!!!!

Lexus RX400H



I just got my new Lexus RX400H and returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated?”Watch this"! He said “Nelson" The Radio replied "Ricky or? Willie?"
"Willie" He continued. And "On the Road Again" came from the speakers. I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say "Beethoven" I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said?”Beatles" I'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car but I swerved
In time to avoid them. I yelled "ASSHOLES!”
The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore,
Backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Bill Clinton on sax and
Ted Kennedy on booze.

Man, I LOVE this car!

Ever wonder where BMW got their ideas for their grille design?

Here ya go...dance
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg

Tongue Twister

Here is a good place to place jokes

Heard a good one yesterday.

This Canadian walks into a bar. He asks for a beer, the bartender say's what do you mean by that. He says nothing but if you wanna argue I will. They argue and a couple of regulars join. The owner comes in and asks what is going on as the 3 have him pinned down. They say this guys is picking on us. The owner kicks him out.

A week later he come back after having grow a beard because he like the beer. Nothing happens until he crack a joke. The bar tender yells and screams at the Canadian but this time the Canuck has it all on tape. The owner doesn't know what to do.


What would you do?

Well I'll tell ya since you asked,

Taking all bias out of the picture..."its a private establishment and the owner has the right and final say on who is and is not allowed in, so the person would be removed once again, like he should be, because he obviously isnt a good fit for that bar...there is beer at lots of places, so there is no point in staying somewhere that he isnt welcome".

If you live in a fish bowl it is hard to see beyond the glass. Do not assume every member is in the bowl with you!

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:


Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary...basically the same thing

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dennis

Ever wonder where BMW got their ideas for their grille design?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hummerguy123

Heard a good one yesterday.

This Canadian walks into a bar. He asks for a beer, the bartender say's what do you mean by that. He says nothing but if you wanna argue I will. They argue and a couple of regulars join. The owner comes in and asks what is going on as the 3 have him pinned down. They say this guys is picking on us. The owner kicks him out.

A week later he come back after having grow a beard because he like the beer. Nothing happens until he crack a joke. The bar tender yells and screams at the Canadian but this time the Canuck has it all on tape. The owner doesn't know what to do.


What would you do?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dennis

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:


Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary...basically the same thing

Oh no! what do you do?

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. However, Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.

What must you do to safely get out of this dangerous situation?



(there is a sensible answer...do you know what it is?)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dennis

Oh no! what do you do?

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. However, Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.

What must you do to safely get out of this dangerous situation?



(there is a sensible answer...do you know what it is?)

Step off the Marry-Go-Round?