JOKES - Page 11
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Dennis
6/30/2007 2:43:21 PM
quote:
Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
Gross!
Misster
7/3/2007 11:39:32 PM
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
An Indian chief had three wives. One sat on a hippo skin and had five children. The second sat on a buffalo skin and had three children. The third sat on a deer skin and had two children.
This proves the theorem that:
The squaw of the hippopotamus equals the sons of the squaws of the hides.
Muddydawg75
7/8/2007 10:54:16 AM
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will al w ays be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
Muddydawg75
7/10/2007 3:06:12 PM
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage,he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
Lane
7/14/2007 4:21:04 AM
Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women:
10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman...
1. You can buy a silencer for a gun!
Muddydawg75
7/14/2007 6:18:18 AM
Nice...
Lane
7/18/2007 2:15:36 AM
Drinking with a redneck girl......
A Mexican, an Iraqi and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."
The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one draft, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45 and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar and calling for a refill, she says, "In America, wehave so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
God Bless America!
Lane
7/22/2007 12:57:20 AM
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry lsit of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied,..."Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays, I fish.
blackstangs281
7/22/2007 4:55:31 AM
Five Surgeons
Five Surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
dmb7280
8/15/2007 9:13:39 AM
a grasshopper walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. the bartender looks at him and says "hey, we've got a drink named after you."
the grasshopper responds "really?! you've got a drink named steve?!"
importkiller
8/15/2007 10:54:47 PM
CRXMA22
8/16/2007 12:30:35 PM
George decided that he wanted to
throw a party & invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He held the party around the pool in the
backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good
time drinking, dancing, eating BBQ
flirting with the women. At the height of the party, george said, "I have a 10 ft. Man-eating gator in
my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has
the b@lls to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth
when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around
and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator
jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds head butts, chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both
Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it sink to the
bottom. Leroy then slowly climbed
out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in
disbelief.
Finally george says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I
owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
george: "Man, I have to give you
something. You won the bet. How about half a million
bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it.", answered Leroy.
george: "Come on, I insist on giving you
something. That was amazing. How about a new
Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
leroy still said, "NO!"
george is confused, "Well, Leroy, then
what do you want?"
Leroy answered, "I want the mutha******
who pushed me in the pool."
Muddydawg75
8/16/2007 4:01:31 PM
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the Trooper w alked up to the Corvette , looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.
Muddydawg75
8/22/2007 6:23:31 PM
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around,looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack,when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked,
"I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you"
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, h uh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
Muddydawg75
9/11/2007 11:46:25 AM
I rear ended a car this morning...
hilljob26
9/12/2007 3:30:09 AM
what do a pizza delivery driver and a gynocologist have in common,,,,....they can both smell it but they just cant eat it................sorry,i had to let it out
